I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
