he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Go christen that room with your naked body.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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