Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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