saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.