I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
This gyro tastes like lonliness
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"