Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.