I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
