I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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