I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
