I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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