2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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