May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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