Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
