I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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