Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
