you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
