my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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