i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
