theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
