Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
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pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
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I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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