May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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