Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
