just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Your cock deserves a montage
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
