My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
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get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
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I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.