A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
two words...techno handjob
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?