My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
