I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
