How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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