i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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