Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
