Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?