I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit