I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
