Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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