my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I need a beard to bite.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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