I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
