Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
