I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
