I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
