you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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