I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
My cat gives me a boner
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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