peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
