Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
