I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
