Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
