I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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