I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
