The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
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