He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
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THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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