Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
