Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Randomize
