I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Randomize
