listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
