He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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