Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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