know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
