It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
